Alex Berger Doesn't Get It

Columnist ponders Nude Recreation Week
Alex Berger – TimesLedger.com
July 22, 2005

"What spirit is so empty and blind that it cannot recognize the fact that the foot is more noble than the shoe, and skin more beautiful than the garment with which it is clothed?" – Michelangelo

In the event you didn't mark your calendar, "Nude Recreation Week" begins July 9. The shedder-of-clothing set is eagerly waiting to see how many of us "prudes" are willing to sit around a campfire in our birthday suits, roasting marshmallows (and hopefully, nothing else) during this "naked as a jaybird" period.

A few weeks ago, I met a very unusual gentleman, I.M. Nekkid, in the Bayside Marina, who coincidentally, was a nudist. He said his nickname was Buck. "You are a real nudist?" I gasped. "Yes, a real, proud nudist," Buck replied. "I can disrobe in five seconds flat.""We are not wackos," he said, "but common, ordinary, carefree bundles of 100 percent exposed skin, who yearn to undrape our shape. Is it wrong to spend a little of our leisure time in total freedom without the burden of clothes? Are you interested?""Buck, only if you can convince Angelina Jolie and Halle Berry to peel along with me," I laughingly remarked. He looked at me sternly. "If you or anyone else is looking for erotica, you will be greatly disappointed.""Oh"?"Just imagine yourself luxuriating clothes-free under the warm sun," Buck continued, "enjoying the caress of a gentle breeze on your bare body. Floating through the cool, silky waters of a lake. Feeling completely casual and relaxed without your clothes in the company of other nude dudes. We are trendsetters who want to let the sun shine in where the sun ordinarily does not shine in. Why don't you and your wife try it?" I paused and then reluctantly agreed.

Selling Gloria on the idea was not easy. She said that she hates any place where all the women wear the same outfit, but I finally succeeded.The following day, my barefaced friend brought us to his nudist camp. He quickly stripped into a "Full Monty" mode, which made Gloria's face turn crimson red. My embarrassed wife and I quickly decided to keep our clothes on. It wasn't long before we realized we were at a place where we could walk around all day without looking at a human face.Suddenly, a man with a long beard appeared. Gloria asked why does he have that long beard? "Somebody has to go out for coffee," Buck said. I then saw my first nude women. Gloria was right. All the women did wear the same ensemble. Another nude gentleman asked me what I thought of his birthday suit?" "It needs pressing," I told him.

I soon discovered nudist weddings present many problems, such as planning a dress rehearsal and, where exactly does the groom keep the ring? At the ceremonies, there is a plus side. It is easy to pick out the best man. At one wedding, the minister asked the bride, "Do you take this man?" She said, "Well, if I had a choice, there's a guy in the second row..."Buck went on to describe a list of "Things To Do Nude," such as playing basketball, biking (ouch, my seat hurts already), bowling (be careful not to drop the ball), camping (never fly-fishing), jogging (and jingling) and windsurfing.And a list describing "Things NOT To Do Nude," including barbecuing, beekeeping, firefighting, picking blackberries, sitting on hot vinyl car seats, tearing out poison ivy, and climbing a barbed-wire fence. Ohhhkay!

Despite Buck's enticing words, I was not ready to tear my clothes off at this point. I simply can't see myself luxuriating by a campfire, naked as a skinless frankfurter and being requested to remove my wrinkled jumpsuit.I have very strong doubts about parading around in the flesh exhibiting my baby blues and other vitals too delicate to describe in this family newspaper. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not a prude. At the age of nine, I allowed a young female nurse to remove my hospital gown and completely bathe and prep me for an upcoming appendectomy operation.At the age of 11, my father took me to a "Schvitz" (a Turkish Steam Bath), where naked, adult men sat, sweated and gabbed. After three seconds of almost being scalded alive by the hot steam, I ran out and vowed never to eat a steamed lobster again.And that's not all. At the age of 17, I took daily showers with other naked guys, while serving in the Air Force. That experience definitely destroyed my belief that all men were created equal.But, going pubic, I mean public, is flesh of another color. After showering, I always get a sinking feeling as I pass my full-length mirror and see what terrible things happened to my body which no health food, exercise program, skilled surgery, or "schvitz," can cure. So would I want to parade before my contemporaries in the altogether?Moreover, I don't feel a compelling need to sit around a campfire in the buff with others in a similar stage of undress, with worse anatomies than mine. That mirror image of my physique is more than I, nor anyone else, can stomach. Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but my beholders would definitely not like what they will behold of little, ol', naked, me.Buck said for the bashful, who would like to explore their nudist fantasies and appear in the au natural but were too embarrassed to let it all hang out, there was a halfway solution. Flesh-colored swimwear is now available that make these "prudes" look positively golden, glowing and naked.Clotheslessness an ideal environment to get in touch with yourself physically, Buck suggests....

This guy just d0esn't get it at all...